The Security Tapes
by TribalForEagle
Summary: When Larxene finds some security tapes, the whole Organization settle down to watch them. Just what good will come out of this? I know the answer. Completely none, I tell you. Crack!fic. Written by ShinigamiApples and TribalForEagle! R&R, please!
1. Prologue A Mysterious Discovery?

AN - Huzzah! Right-y ho, this idea came into action pretty much _yesterday_. Me and ShinigamiApples were going on about random stuff, such as me not sleeping much, so, I called myself a Melodious Nocturnal. Guess what she said? She said I should be a Flurry of Dancing Snores. And so that started an idea up that shows the Organizaton's EMBARRASSING moments! We start off in the prologue from Xemnas' POV, and we'll make our way upwards til Number XIII.

The prologue is written by my 'invalid' friend, ShinigamiApples, as this is a Co-Written piece people! So R&R and Enjoy!!

* * *

Prologue – A Mysterious Discovery?

"Superior! …Superiorr!! …Suuupeeeeriiioooooorrrrr!!" A certain black-coated Nobody whined as he tugged on my sleeve.

I had been on my way to Number Four's Laboratory when he had, for want of a better word, ambushed me.

"Yes, I heard you the first time, Number Nine –"

"!!!"

"Yes. _What_?!" I yanked my arm away from the ever-peppy subordinate, giving him my best 'I'm annoyed with you but I'll listen to whatever it is you wanted to say _this time_, Demyx' look.

"Y…You didn't have to shout…" Almost instantly his eyes were filled with tears.

How was it that, even though we were all devoid of hearts, Demyx still managed to tug on the heartstrings of the entire Organisation with his… antics?

"I wasn't shouting, I was –"

"You're MAD, aren't you Superior? I'm SORRY!!" Before I could stop him, Number Nine had thrown himself to the floor at my feet, flinging his arms around my legs. "PLEASE!! FORGIVE MEEE!!"

"I… I _do_ forgive you, Number Nine. What was it you –"

"OH MY GAWD! DEMYX! Xemnas, dude, stop molesting him!"

Number Two materialised in the air behind me, grabbing me around the waist.

I think he was attempting to pull me away from the grovelling Number Nine…

"S…Superior?"

This was, naturally, the perfect moment for Saïx to round the corner of the corridor.

"Saï- Number Seven! This isn't what it looks like –"

I reached out a gloved hand to him in desperation.

"I… I have a mission to be going on now… _sir_…"

Rats!

Last night had been so enchanting, the both of us lying beneath the glorious light of Kingdom Hearts, and _then_ we had gone back to his chamber…

And now Number Two had gone and _ruined_ it with his obsession for Number Nine.

"SUUUPPPEEEERIOOOORRRRR!!"

"Dude, dude, getoffhim!"

My left eye twitched.

The corridor began to darken, shadows forming across the walls and floor.

Number Two let go first, rethinking his strategy. He unhooked Number Nine from around my legs and they vanished a 'poof' of black smoke.

I gathered a ball of Nothing in my hands and fired it into the air that Xigbar had previously been occupying.

The wall behind it shattered beneath the force, and I sighed.

The Castle's infrastructure needed some serious remodelling, or it would be collapsing about our feet before you could say 'Kingdom Hearts'!

Well, there was no time like the present to start.

The rubble was a good indication that I had vented out the rage that I should not have felt, which meant that… well, it meant _something_, obviously.

However, one thing that was not quite so sensible was the explosion of sparks that occurred while I was learning to lay bricks using only the power of Nothingness.

My head snapped up, eyes wide and alert.

"Hey Xemnas, why do you look so unfocussed?" An ear-piercing shriek came from the vicinity of behind the wall.

"Number Twelve… What are you doing behind my wall?"

"Ahaha… Well, if you must know, I found some security tapes, and I was using my power to –"

"Security tapes?!" I dropped the brick I had been working on. "Tapes that tape the security of the Castle?"

"…Obviously, Xemnas. Anyway, as I was –"

"Give them to me!"

"What?"

"I said, give them to me, Number Twelve."

"What if I don't want to? What if I don't want to hand over the evidence of you and wolf-boy having some doggy style fun in the –"

"_Give me the tapes, Number Twelve_."

"Fine… But I'll be watching them, you see if I don't."

* * *

Less than an hour later, the entire Organisation was either sitting, standing, or lying on _my_ bed. Although, in the case of Numbers Thirteen and Eight, well… they were doing unspeakable things. Absolutely unspeakable.

I will need to throw out my bed sheets.

Vexen had pulled an ancient tape-playing machine from the basement, and set it up _in front of the window_.

Apparantly it had 'the best view from the bed'.

How was I supposed to look on my Kingdom Hearts with that lump of _machinery_ in the way?!

Anyway, as the first tape was inserted, I wondered when I had had security cameras installed…

Perhaps it was a package. Did it perhaps come with Sky?

But the Castle didn't even _have_ Sky…

Mental note – call the Sky man.

* * *

So, how was it? Was it a good prologue or what?! I thought it was absolutely amazing :) R&R!!!

Xemnas' Chapter Up Next, written by ShinigamiApples! And then I get Xiggy ;D

The next chapter should be up in around a week everyone! Until then, sit back and relax!!

Over and Out,

~~TribalForEagle & ShinigamiApples


	2. The Souperior of the InBetween

WARNINGS- XemSai hinting, language, and concealed XemSai (Thank god XD)

The Soup-erior of the In-Between

The first tape was entered into the machine, and the screen burst into life..

The top of Xemnas' head could be seen in the room most commonly identified as the kitchen, although the true name for it was 'The Food Preparation Room That Never Was'. This, however, was viewed as 'too much of a bloody hassle to say' by most members.

The silver haired man was leaning against a white counter, apparently talking to someone just out of sight.

"…But that is the very problem of it all, you see." He was saying. "If the doctor was right and the infection had spread to my gums, then eating becomes rather difficult, as you can probably imagine."

The unseen person muttered something inaudible, and the Superior chuckled darkly.

"Of course it won't stop me from doing _that_, I'll just have to wash my mouth out afterwards, since I know how much you enjoy it. But that is entirely beside the point! What type of food can be consumed without stressing the teeth? If I cannot eat, then I will fade away to Nothingness!"

"You could try soup."

The hidden member was identified as Saïx, given away by his unmistakable growl.

"Soup? As in the liquidated form of eatables? The kind you can get in tins, pre-made in mysterious factories by the mighty creators of beans that are backed, and tomatoes that 'Ket-chup'?"

"Yes, sir. Would you like me to summon Xaldin to make you some, or should I take a trip to the store?"

"Is the store you are referring to The Store That Never Was, Saïx?"

"Uh… no, sir. It was the co-op."

"Well, you must rename this 'Co-Op' The Co-Op That Never Was! This is your next mission, Number Seven! I shall re-assign the Underworld mission to Number Nine." Xemnas pointed a black gloved finger at Saïx, and the camera swivelled to get a good view of his face.

The scarred member wore a resigned expression, but his vibrant yellow eyes were telling a different story.

'I'll do what you say, my insane Superior, not just because you are my leader and I would follow you to hell if you so wished, but because I love you in a way that cannot be described in mere words. You are the moon I howl to at night, the bone on which I chew. I don't need a heart in my chest to know that this is love, and when you are with me, I don't want one'

However, this could also be a misinterpretation of 'What the hell are you talking about now, you lovably crazy son of a bitch?'

Either way, Saïx turned around and created a portal.

"Wait! Before you do that, you and I must make soup! Glorious soup that shall slide down my throat without the need to damage my gums!"

"As you wish, Superior…"

The next ten minutes of footage could easily have been mistaken for a bad cookery-based porno, and involved two pounds of spoon licking, a generous handful of inappropriate touching, and half a ton of soup.

The screen fizzled out silently, and the kitchen was replaced with Xemnas' bedroom.

Saïx and his Superior were not, however, on the bed.

They were on the floor, and from the angle the camera was positioned in, all that could be seen of the pair was Saïx's head and back, his hips furiously pumping.

He stopped suddenly, panting.

"Superior… do you mind… not eating soup… while I'm trying to –"

"But it's simply delicious, Saïx! You absolutely must try some. Here!"

A bowl was thrust into the member's face, from what looked to be a rather awkward angle.

The screen switched to another place and time in the Castle, where Xemnas was sitting at his large desk with his back to the camera. The table had been imported from the Cave of Wonders, and was made of pure gold. It was one of his most precious possessions, and so he had had a room specifically built just to house it.

"Mmm… Oh, scrumptious…"

The camera view swivelled around the room, to reveal the Superior with a spoon in his mouth, a bowl in his hand, and a foolish grin on his face. A mountain of untouched paperwork detailing mission plans and heart calculations was piled up in front of him.

"This flavour is by far the best as of yet! But oh, my kingdom for a Saïx-and-pumpkin flavoured soup! That would just be... Mmm… divine!"

The screen darkened for the last time, and the remaining ten seconds of the tape consisted of Xemnas dissolving into a weeping, tearful mess before an empty bowl.

The ends of Saïx's pale blue hair could be seen whipping out of sight, accompanied by an angry shout of "…and that's why I'm not helping you make any more of that damn stuff!"

**

Everyone was staring at the screen in obvious shock - even Axel and Roxas had stopped doing their 'unspeakable things' to stare at the now blank screen. Both Xemnas and Saïx were bright red, their eyes wider than plates. It was Larxene who broke the silence.

"_Soup_, Souperior?" She joked and everyone laughed. Well, everyone _except_ Xemnas and Saïx, who both just stared in horror at Larxene. "Well, Saïx, why did you stop making soup for our Souperior-ness?"

Saïx ignored the female Nobody, looking around frantically for another video that didn't contain information on his and the Superior's relationship. He soon found one and ejected the 'Souperior' video and entered the new one, watching intently as the others ettled down to watch the video.

The screen flickered to life.

**

AN - Alright!! Chapter one finished! The camera bit was done by ShinigamiApples and I did the reaction bit!

Next up is Xiggy! 8D Me doing the camera bit, and ShinigamiApples (You know, I'll just call her Apples from now on, ShinigamiApples is a handful) will be doing the reactions!

Until then, R&R!

Tribal & Apples XD


	3. The Freelooter

Warnings -Suggested Unconscious Sex, MarVex, Language and Rude Stuff

The Freelooter

The white Corridor that Never Was is completely empty aside from the occasional Lesser Nobody gliding around. That was all broken when a black cloaked figure crept, almost subtly, down the corridor, back against the wall. The figure was humming a soft 'Mission Impossible' theme as he tried to creep down the corridor. He finally reached a door with a flower on it, and chuckling darkly, he entered the domain of the Nobody, Marluxia.

The camera changed the circuit to the one in the plain bedroom full of pink and red rose petals. The figure crept around for a while, swiping some small and invisible items to the camera's eye.

"Whoa, this will be worth something," A male's voice announced before holding up a diamond ring to the light, and the camera just picked up the tiny detail of a cursive _V_ before the ring was put into the figure's front pocket. The man crept around a little more, coming across crystal flowers at one point. He pocketed them carefully, using his element to his advantage. He just did this for several minutes, around the room in general, before coming upon the pink-head's bed. He lifted up the bed sheets, finding nothing, and finally stood up to the pillow. He snuck his hand under the pillow with petals on, feeling for anything valuable and gripped around for something before stilling, the figure's body tense. A mingled look of shock, disgust and fake fear showed on his face before speaking out.

"_Holy shit..._" Xigbar whispered as he pulled out what he had grabbed.

It was a pink dildo. And it had Vexen's face printed on it in tiny patterns.

Xigbar stared at the item before dropping it in shock. He stepped away and tripped over a white plant pot with a white rose in it, buried deep within the soil, and Xigbar's body came to rest on the floor, and he now had a perfect view of under the bed, the last place he was going to check for loot.

Now he wished he had never looked under the bed at all, intentional or not.

Under the bed was a life-sized model of Vexen, visible as soon as the camera swivelled around, and it was fully naked in some sexual glory. Xigbar stared at it, the disbelief and fake fear showing thickly on his face. He was deadly still for about a minute before he bounded up as quick as a cheetah, and pretty much ran out of the room, screaming.

The camera changed circuits several times to follow the Freeshooter around the castle as he screamed bloody murder about 'pink haired pedos'. Xigbar shot into the Grey Area where he found Xemnas and Saïx having a full out make-out session. Xigbar stared at them, and they stared back, before they all screamed, and Xigbar shot out of the room, no pun intended, before smacking into a wall, head first, and knocking himself out. Several others walked past but none helped him, as this was a regular occurrence. He was rested against the floor, when suddenly the pink haired Nobody that had creeped him out in the first place, came over his body. Marluxia stared for a minute before smirking darkly and making a Corridor of Darkness, hoisting Xigbar's prone body onto the shoulders and begin to walk towards the Corridor of Darkness. However, the camera picks up several words before the Corridor of Darkness disappeared.

"...oh, I'm going to have some _fun_ with you Xigbar..."

The camera circuits changed for several hours, looking for both Marluxia and Xigbar, not having any luck, before it came across the Freeshooter standing outside Marluxia's room, a dazed look on his face before he snapped out of it.

"What the hell happened?" He murmured, pulling his hair through his grey streaked hair.

"You got knocked unconscious, Xigbar. I found you and helped you, don't I get some credit?" Marluxia said, stepping out of his room.

"Really? How... did I get knocked out in the first place?"

Marluxia smirked. "I haven't the faintest," He stated, a mysterious glint in his eyes, before he went back into his room, closing the door, leaving a very confused Xigbar outside his room and in the white corridor.

**

Vexen's eye twitched.

The rest of the Organisation stared.

His fingers tightened into fists.

The rest of the Organisation held their collective breath.

A sound halfway between a squeak and a growl escaped his thin lips.

"Mar…"

The 'pink haired pedo' stood up from where he had been subtly trying to look underneath Number Four's coat, and started to back away.

"lux…"

"S-Steady now, Vexen darling… it was only a little bit of fun…"

"ia…"

Number Eleven, sensing his impending doom at the hands of his beloved, put his legs into action and fled, holding his coat up like a woman as he did so.

"MARLUXIA! You… you… MONSTER! You absolute FIEND!" The Chilly Academic leapt to his feet and chased after Marluxia, screaming at the top of his lungs, long blonde hair flying everywhere. "Come back here right this second unless you wish to become a SNOW CONE!"

"…Only if it means you'll be sucking on me, Vexy baby!" Came his distant reply.

"_MAAARLUXIIAAAA!!_"

Once the furious scientist was definitely gone, Larxene dissolved into an insane fit of giggles.

Demyx turned to Xigbar and said "Why was Vexen underneath Marly's bed, Xiggie?"

The Freeshooter rubbed his butt and stared out of the window, his single eye blank. "…You don't wanna know, Demmy… You don't wanna know…"

**

AN- Well! Wasn't that an odd thing! We all knew there was a pedo somewhere in Marly!

As it was, camera by me, Reaction by Apples! Xaldin is next! I'll be writing the camera actions, while Apples will be writing the reactions!! Hope you enjoyed!

Over & Out - Apples & Tribal


	4. The Hurling Lancer

**Disclaimer - I've been forgetting these! Anyway, this counts for the whole story now! IF Kingdom Hearts belonged to me or Apples, we're very sure we wouldn't kill off the Organization, now would we?!**

Xaldin - The Hurling Lancer

After Vexen and Marluxia had finally come back to Xemnas' bed, the latter sporting a rather nasty looking bruise, Axel pushed in the third video.

"Wonder who'll be in this," he mused as he took his seat, Roxas immediately climbing onto his lap.

* * *

The tape showed Xaldin in the Food Preparation Room That Never Was, preparing soup. He was muttering under his breath though the words couldn't be picked up by the camera.

Suddenly, Luxord appeared out of no where, a jolly - yet fake - grin on his face, his hands shuffling a pack of cards.

"Hey, Xal," He said. "How do you fancy playing against Lady Luck's successor?" He questioned him, a wicked glint in his eyes.

Xaldin didn't even give the man a side glance. "Not now, Luxord. Someone has to make Xemnas' soup when Saïx isn't... available." The camera picked up a faint blush on the Lancer's cheeks before he continued making the soup with haste. Luxord seemed unfazed.

"Fine. But you can't say no to a bottle of rum. Fresh from Port Royal," He announced before grabbing two glass bottles out from under his cloak, popping the cork off them, and handing one to Xaldin, who was now looking at him in disappointment.

"Luxord, what are you... Wait, _is_ this rum? It doesn't look very like it…" Xaldin frowned, looking at the clear amber liquid in the bottle.

Luxord grinned. "Of _course_ it is, silly fellow. It's your favourite! Amber Genesis Rum, from Captain Jack himself. C'mon, drink with me!" Luxord raised the bottle to his lips and had two long gulps.

Xaldin looked at the bottle with obvious distain, but shrugged and raised the bottle to his lips anyway. He took a gulp and lowered the bottle again. He looked disorientated.

The camera changed circuits to a later time to show a drunk and confused Xaldin and a sober and faintly amused Luxord in the Grey Area. Luxord had managed to get the Lancer drunk and play a game of poker.

But it wasn't any old poker, oh no.

This... was _strip_ poker.

And Xaldin was completely naked.

Luxord, being sober, was completely clothed, and appeared to be smirking at the unbashful Lancer, who seemed proud of his nakedness for a strange reason.

"I win again," Luxord announced. "But you already seem fully unclothed."

Xaldin giggled - yes, I said _giggled_. He didn't laugh deeply like a man, oh no, he had giggled like a little girl. "Well, you could always take me, I suppose..." He suggested with an obvious wink.

Luxord blinked one, twice, three times, before he shot up, summoned Fair Game and threw the cards at Xaldin, knocking the dreadlocked man out, fleeing from the room, eyes completely wide in untold horror.

The camera circuit changed again to the Grey Area several hours later, to see Xaldin stirring and rubbing his butt. He groaned and opened his eyes before putting a hand to his mouth, bounding up and fleeing towards the nearest bathroom. However, before he even got out of the Grey Area, Saïx walked in and they bumped into each other. And that's when Xaldin hurled. All over Saïx.

Saïx just stood there, complete disbelief on his face before he went into Berserker mode and knocked Xaldin out. He left the Grey Area and left the man alone and unconscious yet again.

A few minutes later, Marluxia came into the Grey Area, and seeing the vomit, rum and the unconscious and naked Xaldin, he quickly assessed what had happened the night before. Hauling Xaldin onto his shoulders, and leaving a few of the lesser Nobodies to clean up the mess, he went through his summoned Corridor of Darkness.

The camera fizzled out to show Xaldin's room. Suddenly, a black portal opened up and Marluxia got out, pulling a naked and still unconscious Xaldin though. He threw the Lancer onto the bed before leaving the room quickly, whispering '...Must think of Vexy... Must think of Vexy...' …but that very thought made him just as 'happy' as the idea of taking advantage of someone naked and helpless. He left the room via C of D. Xaldin just groaned and hurled again, this time down his front.

"Luxord..." He mumbled. "…I hate you, stupid British bastard..." He managed to get out, before rolling over and throwing up again.

**

Luxord exchanged a mortified glance with Xaldin, who then promptly hung his head in shame.

Number Seven's look at the Lancer could have killed him. The memories from that day were all coming back to him. That puke had taken him a whole day to get out of his coat, meaning that all he had to wear was his navy blue boxers, since his Superior had sealed his chamber because he was 'refusing to do his soup duty'.

Vexen's icy heart, however, seemed to be thawing. Had Marluxia really passed on an opportunity to get some ass… just for him?

Marluxia noticed how his beloved was looking at him… and decided that, even though it was killing him, he should not make a dirty crack right now.

After all, things were looking up… and not just metaphorically, either.

* * *

AN- Alright! Done! As Apples said to me as she sent this back to me, 'that is hideously unoriginal' about the reaction (I think? But it hurts, so I shall stop!!)

Ah yeah, that pretty much wraps it up. R&R please?! We - Apples and I - wanna know what we could change and how to improve! PM us, review or something just to let us know if we're doing this right!

Next Chapter - Vexen, written by Apples for the camera bit. I shall be writing the Org's reaction :)

Til next time,

Tribal && Apples

xx


	5. The Frilly Academic

The next image on the screen showed Zexion, Lexaeus and Vexen were sitting spaced out across the long grey sofa in the Basement That Never Was, the shortest of them holding a large book in his hands, from which he was reading aloud.

"While the lily white shall in love delight, nor a thorn nor a threat stain her beauty bright."

The oldest member shot him a dirty glare. "Do you mind keeping those infernal words _on_ the page and inside your _own head_, rather than disrupting my concentration on my experiment with them?!"

There was a small bell jar on the scientist's lap, filled with a bizarre arrangement of test tubes, funnels, wires, and unusually shaped flashing lights.

Zexion raised an eyebrow, and Lexaeus put a large hand on his shoulder.

"I don't mind hearing you read, Zex."

Vexen gave Number Five the evil eye too.

"I thought you were the _Silent_ Hero, Number Five. Live up to your title and be quiet!"

"Why don't you just go back to your laboratory –" Zexion started to say, but was cut off by the scientist.

"Oh, I would if I could, believe me. But Number Eleven was standing outside the door this morning… Waiting…"

His green eyes stared unseeingly into the middle distance, haunted by memories of Marluxia wearing a transparent nightgown.

Lexaeus and Zexion exchanged a knowing glance, and they both shuffled a little closer towards the older member.

"Maybe you should give him a chance. I mean, it's obvious that he's infatuated with you –"

"Disturbingly _obsessed_ with me is a more accurate way of describing it…"

"I think there could be a real spark between you two, though –"

"…I don't think a relationship like _that_ would be functional in –"

"Take Roxas and Axel for example. They used to be in a similar situation to you and Marluxia, until Roxas faced up to the fact that Axel would never give up."

"That, and the fact that he was starting to reciprocate his feelings."

The pair snickered quietly.

"Yes, but they barely get any work done around the castle anymore! They have dozens of missions that have been blatantly ignored, and yet Xemnas lets them continue with their frivolous homosexual activities, even though it is obviously getting in the way of our true purpose and only long-time goal, which is a cause I dedicate my whole being to, day after day after day! I regularly make a valuable contribution to the acquisition of Kingdom Hearts, unlike various others who I shall not name, who see it fit to sit around reading books constantly and giving people useless and pointless advice!"

Vexen finally drew breath, panting slightly.

Zexion rolled his lilac eyes, and snapped the book shut.

"Come on Lex, shall we leave our learned member to make a contribution to the acquisition of Kingdom Hearts?"

The Silent Hero stood up without saying a word, and the two of them entered a Corridor of Darkness, leaving the scientist alone and rather pissed off.

The tape was fast-forwarded, as only Marluxia thought that watching Vexen watch an experiment not doing anything for what seemed like forever was good, rewarding entertainment.

The next scene caught on camera was in Number Four's private laboratory.

It was a large room, filled to the brim with complex scientific stuff, and no other member had been allowed to see it before, _especially_ Marluxia.

Vexen was standing just underneath the camera's viewpoint, and so all that could be seen of him was the top of his pale blonde head.

Then he stepped forwards.

Number Four, the infamously _Chilly_ Academic, self proclaimed 'brains' of the operation…

Was wearing a dress.

A midnight blue dress.

A slinky, smooth silk affair that clung to his figure.

Complete with sexy leg slits along the sides.

As Vexen moved further forward still, his matching pair of high heels was revealed.

He placed his hands in the air as if ballroom dancing with someone, and started to spin slowly.

After several minutes of this, the blonde decided he had had enough of his ever-so-slightly disturbing dancing.

And took off the dress.

Only three words could describe what he was wearing _underneath_.

Pink.

Frilly.

Panties.

* * *

Vexen stared at the screen in utmost horror while the rest of the Organization was frozen in shock. Even _Marluxia_ was in shock. He had stopped trying to look up Vexen's cloak, anyway. Xemnas was the first to snap out of it.

"I do not want to watch anymore. Put the next video on, _now,_ or I'll turn you all into Dusks," He uttered and everyone was back into action. Saïx went to the machine and changed the video swiftly. The rest of the Organization were staring at Vexen, mortified, all except for Vexen himself (Who could stare at themselves in mortification anyway?) and Roxas, who seemed to be rocking back and forth, demented look in his eyes. Axel didn't notice.

"Here's the next video," Saïx muttered and all eyes were back on the screen again, as though none of the last video had happened.

* * *

AN – We're sorry for the long wait! Both of us have been in school, so life has been hectic! *nods* Anyway, here's Vexen's little chapter! It's okay to be mortified, I was when I read it, but then I cracked up laughing. Who knew Vexen had such fetishes!

Next Chapter! Lexaeus, by ShinigamiApples! Hope to see you all then!

Tribal && Apples

xx


End file.
